Hey Blog reader people,
So yes this month is so spinning out of control. Started out with a list of goals, and expectations. I got my schooling done. Took my final and expecting my test results soon. I also have been applying to Masters Commission Aberdeen, as a staff member. I have gotten the thumbs up from Masters Commission Europe, who put me in contact with the pastor. Who I have been expecting his call for two weeks. So I am now in the situation to where I am jumping every time the phone rings. Which is practically annoying when I am in the bath or the few and rare occasions I venture into town.
This month has also brought strain on one of my most close’s friendships. I really treasure the people in my life that I label as a close companion. I hold close the verse in Ecclesiastes that says…
"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up."
Takes ALOT for me to say good bye to a friend… And in fact I doubt I “give up” on any friendship. But lately I find one of my friendships in dire need and struggling for breath. This particular friend is very private and for that sake I will not disclose their name.
But this is a friend I could share anything with. I could run to this person with my inner most fears and concerns. Lately we rejoiced in the news of my job opportunity in Scotland. We also drew closer in our trust by opening up even more about each other lives. My friend’s life is really become strained, and started suffering from panic attacks. Broke my heart the first time I heard them having one over the phone. I wanted so much just to jump through the phone and comfort them.
This past weekend we got into a misunderstanding about emails and email account. When I tried to call and better explain myself to them we just got into another argument. To which they said “All you are bringing in my life our panic attacks, pain, and nonsense.” Was a shock, my heart jumped to my throat and wanted to escape everything. Really deeply hurt me.
Yesterday they told me they were wrong for saying this, that those things aren’t all that my friendship brings. My friendship shouldn't be brining them period. So I tried to get some words to replace though awful things like instead of panic attacks, pain, and nonsense, you bring… They refused to say anything. All they could say was, thank you for your love and care, and I love you to… Is it just me? Or is that like getting nothing?
So I said if they can’t think of anything good that my friendship is bringing then my friendship is not what the need right now. It pains me so so very much. But I love and treasure this friend so much I will take myself out of the picture for their happiness. If I am the root for all their unhappiness I will leave.
To my friend, if you ever read this… I am so sorry for the damage I left you with. It was not intentional. My heart breaks everyday since those words were spoken to me. I hope only happiness will follow you. Maybe one day if you can cope with me ever again my friendship will be waiting. x
