Failing Forward

She Who Kneels Before God Can Stand Before Anyone

Monday, April 19, 2010

Wrangle Demise

Today is one of those days where it does matter which side of the bed I rolled out of. All the forces in the world are out to make sure that I struggled today. It takes a lot for me to give up my smile. I like to smile in spite the struggles of life. I find life more fun when you great bad news at the door with a smile. But today I feel like I have been hammered by this storm to hard. God is playing hide and seek. So what exactly is going on??

Chatrooms

I have been a great servant to a chat room for almost a year. The owner use to be a close friend of mine. I have work so hard for the ministry. Not for my friend but to be a good steward of a ministry God gave him. I wanted to help him, he made me a moderator. Lately the owner, me friend, made some changes that made my job as a moderator harder. It also cause division within the forum/chat room. This was adding stress on my life. I tired three times to approach the owner and let him know my feelings. But he refuse to reflect on mine and other moderator feelings. He was sit in his ways. He also was very stern in reminding me that it was his chat room. I felt no love of God in his attitude so I asked to be taken off as a moderator. Today he made it was official. My heart breaks cause I feel like I failed a friend. But in reality a leader failed me. But I still feel the pain.

Men

We could spend ages on this topic. But for now I will try my hardest to keep it a paragraph. Lately I have 3 guy friends. We are very close. They recently told me they have taken a fancy in me. One even told me he had a dream about me. This put me in an awkward position. So I told them all I am going to remain friends right now, I am not in the position to date. They all agreed this was a good decision. I love them all very dearly. But 2 out of the 3 guys, what do you think there facebook relationship status say? Yep they forgot about me pretty quickly. The see me online and ignore me, they even delete things I post on their facbook walls. I Hate being played with, I hate men who emotionally play with a woman’s feelings. I don’t see them as men they are boys. Real men guard women, and protect them. What happen to the world?? Why do men strive to be the pimp, and not the knight? I basically feel like they loved me like they loved a piece of gum wrapper. Where are the knights? Where have the Godly men gone?

Friend

This friend is the same person I talked about in “Friend Problems.” Lately we have made real ground and starting to quilt our friendship back together. But on Saturday we got into yet another misunderstanding on the phone. So Sunday I wrote a nice email (I thought it was nice) saying I was sorry, apologizing for my part of the issue. I then tried to make an attempt on trying to explain my feelings. I went to bed thinking I had done a good thing, and we would be better tomorrow. When I rolled out of bed this morning and staggered to the computer, my heart broke. The reply to my email was a nasty one. I almost felt him yelling at me trough the text. I was shattered and crushed. I could barely type a reply. I was so scared and broken to write much.

I am watching the sun go down in the mountain horizon. I am happy to see this day go. I also forgot to mention the burning pain in my arm from where I burned my self on the oven. But the burning pain is nothing like what my broken heart feels. I almost blame myself for this pain. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Was a week ago that I stayed up till the wee morning hours to make a friend (was one of the “men” that is now forgotten me) a very encouraging video, filled with love and support. Will anyone make me anything when I am down? I doubt I will even get a comment on this.

All I can do is keep searching for God in my situation. Keep my heart limping forward. Its all I can do.

Labels: Chatrooms, Friends, Men, problems, Sad