Today is one of those days where it does matter which side of the bed I rolled out of. All the forces in the world are out to make sure that I struggled today. It takes a lot for me to give up my smile. I like to smile in spite the struggles of life. I find life more fun when you great bad news at the door with a smile. But today I feel like I have been hammered by this storm to hard. God is playing hide and seek. So what exactly is going on??
Chatrooms
I have been a great servant to a chat room for almost a year. The owner use to be a close friend of mine. I have work so hard for the ministry. Not for my friend but to be a good steward of a ministry God gave him. I wanted to help him, he made me a moderator. Lately the owner, me friend, made some changes that made my job as a moderator harder. It also cause division within the forum/chat room. This was adding stress on my life. I tired three times to approach the owner and let him know my feelings. But he refuse to reflect on mine and other moderator feelings. He was sit in his ways. He also was very stern in reminding me that it was his chat room. I felt no love of God in his attitude so I asked to be taken off as a moderator. Today he made it was official. My heart breaks cause I feel like I failed a friend. But in reality a leader failed me. But I still feel the pain.
Men
We could spend ages on this topic. But for now I will try my hardest to keep it a paragraph. Lately I have 3 guy friends. We are very close. They recently told me they have taken a fancy in me. One even told me he had a dream about me. This put me in an awkward position. So I told them all I am going to remain friends right now, I am not in the position to date. They all agreed this was a good decision. I love them all very dearly. But 2 out of the 3 guys, what do you think there facebook relationship status say? Yep they forgot about me pretty quickly. The see me online and ignore me, they even delete things I post on their facbook walls. I Hate being played with, I hate men who emotionally play with a woman’s feelings. I don’t see them as men they are boys. Real men guard women, and protect them. What happen to the world?? Why do men strive to be the pimp, and not the knight? I basically feel like they loved me like they loved a piece of gum wrapper. Where are the knights? Where have the Godly men gone?
Friend
This friend is the same person I talked about in “Friend Problems.” Lately we have made real ground and starting to quilt our friendship back together. But on Saturday we got into yet another misunderstanding on the phone. So Sunday I wrote a nice email (I thought it was nice) saying I was sorry, apologizing for my part of the issue. I then tried to make an attempt on trying to explain my feelings. I went to bed thinking I had done a good thing, and we would be better tomorrow. When I rolled out of bed this morning and staggered to the computer, my heart broke. The reply to my email was a nasty one. I almost felt him yelling at me trough the text. I was shattered and crushed. I could barely type a reply. I was so scared and broken to write much.
I am watching the sun go down in the mountain horizon. I am happy to see this day go. I also forgot to mention the burning pain in my arm from where I burned my self on the oven. But the burning pain is nothing like what my broken heart feels. I almost blame myself for this pain. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Was a week ago that I stayed up till the wee morning hours to make a friend (was one of the “men” that is now forgotten me) a very encouraging video, filled with love and support. Will anyone make me anything when I am down? I doubt I will even get a comment on this.
All I can do is keep searching for God in my situation. Keep my heart limping forward. Its all I can do.
Well... The last 24 hours have been fun. Lets start from last night at this time.
So here I was, just like I am right now. Typing away at my computer chatting to a friend. When all the sudden I heard the sprinkler go off. Now I am the only person awake, and my dogs weren't barking, (like they are trained to do when someone enters the yard.) I walked outside to listen, and the noise went away. Hmmmm? So then I continued to chat away with my friend. Then all the sudden I hear it again. Okay someone is messing with me. Maybe a lost illegal immagrent wanting water. So I went got my gun and flashlight.
I told my friend to pray, then weren't outside the front door. Nothing! I then made my way by the cars where half the hose's were, still nothing! So then I entered the porch and made my way to the other side of the yard. Then I heard the noise, and it got louder and louder the closer I made way to the door. Once I heard the noise my heart jumped to my throat, RATTLE SNAKE! I rushed the dogs onto the screened porch and next morning the snake was gone.
Now onto the next bizzare acount of the day. I woke up normal, I studied like normal. Then I got a call around 2pm. It was my sister crying. She was choking on tears as she told me that she needed me to pick her up and drive her to Urgent Care, she had been stung by a scorpion. WOW! So I spent my afternoon in a doctors office, time ticking slowly. And finally my sister was released to go home. She is fine! Lol.
Next bizare moment. I was updating my facebook, when Tony's (my bf) niece started talking to me on MSN. She wanted to know if I had talked to Tony yet. I told her I hadn't and she said "Oh well he's got a new girlfriend now." Talk about a stab to the heart!!!
Now I knew a break up was going to happen. According to my calculations we never had "the talk." So I was still waiting faithfully and praying and hoping for a call. But appearently he thought his bed was getting to cold. I feel cheated to and lied to.
So there is my wonderful day wrapped up in a itty bitty nice little blog. (sorry about the bitterness) Oh! I forgot I also have pink eye, also known as infection in the eye.
I'm done with my waffle, ramble, where ever your from, PEACE LOVE and JOY tomorrow...
If anyone knows of a tall dark and handsome who enjoys a crazy American girl. Give me a call!! In fact if you love the lord and Jesus is your personal savior, and your ugly give me a call anyway... :)
So… Today I had to say goodbye to such a great friend :( This friend I haven’t know for long but he had great advice, and well he had a great ear. I felt I could share ANYTHING with him. Ever meet someone for the first time, you kind of over look them? Well when I first met my friend, he was as usual surrounded by girls, lol. But within the last 2 months or so we just clicked. He became a very dear friend, I once called him my big brother, but now I see him more, a awesome friend… I’ll miss you Benny. I hope you keep in contact… your in my prayers.
So today was kind of a bummer, but God ended it in amazing way…
Labels: Friends, New things, Sad
(Story about my life at the moment)
Break ups are funny, emotional things. Your fine everything is cool you wake up one morning birds singing, sunshine and rainbows. Then in a spilt second GONE!
Numb, shock, depression, anger…. they all hit you at once! Seems like every heart beat comes another emotion, that is gut wrench pain that swells your heat, soul, and mind. You don’t want to cry but your body seems like it can’t contain this much power in your small flesh container.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" explains that there are five steps of grief… They are as follows, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. This model is known as the Kübler-Ross model, (yes creative I know).
A person is suppose to go through all these stages to move on from the grief stage. But is it just mean, or does it feel like I go through all 5 stages with in 5 seconds, then it repeats.
Luckily my heartache was not a very big surprise. I just found out the man I loved, was actually a coward. One stage in this stage of grief is acceptance, but can one accept something that has no closure??
Thanks for my ramble, my chin will be up soon. This coward shall not steal my joy!
