Today is one of those days where it does matter which side of the bed I rolled out of. All the forces in the world are out to make sure that I struggled today. It takes a lot for me to give up my smile. I like to smile in spite the struggles of life. I find life more fun when you great bad news at the door with a smile. But today I feel like I have been hammered by this storm to hard. God is playing hide and seek. So what exactly is going on??
Chatrooms
I have been a great servant to a chat room for almost a year. The owner use to be a close friend of mine. I have work so hard for the ministry. Not for my friend but to be a good steward of a ministry God gave him. I wanted to help him, he made me a moderator. Lately the owner, me friend, made some changes that made my job as a moderator harder. It also cause division within the forum/chat room. This was adding stress on my life. I tired three times to approach the owner and let him know my feelings. But he refuse to reflect on mine and other moderator feelings. He was sit in his ways. He also was very stern in reminding me that it was his chat room. I felt no love of God in his attitude so I asked to be taken off as a moderator. Today he made it was official. My heart breaks cause I feel like I failed a friend. But in reality a leader failed me. But I still feel the pain.
Men
We could spend ages on this topic. But for now I will try my hardest to keep it a paragraph. Lately I have 3 guy friends. We are very close. They recently told me they have taken a fancy in me. One even told me he had a dream about me. This put me in an awkward position. So I told them all I am going to remain friends right now, I am not in the position to date. They all agreed this was a good decision. I love them all very dearly. But 2 out of the 3 guys, what do you think there facebook relationship status say? Yep they forgot about me pretty quickly. The see me online and ignore me, they even delete things I post on their facbook walls. I Hate being played with, I hate men who emotionally play with a woman’s feelings. I don’t see them as men they are boys. Real men guard women, and protect them. What happen to the world?? Why do men strive to be the pimp, and not the knight? I basically feel like they loved me like they loved a piece of gum wrapper. Where are the knights? Where have the Godly men gone?
Friend
This friend is the same person I talked about in “Friend Problems.” Lately we have made real ground and starting to quilt our friendship back together. But on Saturday we got into yet another misunderstanding on the phone. So Sunday I wrote a nice email (I thought it was nice) saying I was sorry, apologizing for my part of the issue. I then tried to make an attempt on trying to explain my feelings. I went to bed thinking I had done a good thing, and we would be better tomorrow. When I rolled out of bed this morning and staggered to the computer, my heart broke. The reply to my email was a nasty one. I almost felt him yelling at me trough the text. I was shattered and crushed. I could barely type a reply. I was so scared and broken to write much.
I am watching the sun go down in the mountain horizon. I am happy to see this day go. I also forgot to mention the burning pain in my arm from where I burned my self on the oven. But the burning pain is nothing like what my broken heart feels. I almost blame myself for this pain. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Was a week ago that I stayed up till the wee morning hours to make a friend (was one of the “men” that is now forgotten me) a very encouraging video, filled with love and support. Will anyone make me anything when I am down? I doubt I will even get a comment on this.
All I can do is keep searching for God in my situation. Keep my heart limping forward. Its all I can do.
The thoughts haunt my mind,
The ghostly images of past.
I blame the love that made me blind,
I close my eyes to ease the images at last.
The images come and go,
I wish I could just forget.
From the time of our first hello,
to the very last threat.
Pain, is all my mind is wrapped around,
the sorrow of this piercing era.
Suffering, intoxicating, excruciating, heavy compound.
But I must cross this Sahara.
How do I climb out of this?
Where do I begin to heal?
To start mapping out this past abyss,
Time to take back my heart get rid of this steal.
Hey Blog reader people,
So yes this month is so spinning out of control. Started out with a list of goals, and expectations. I got my schooling done. Took my final and expecting my test results soon. I also have been applying to Masters Commission Aberdeen, as a staff member. I have gotten the thumbs up from Masters Commission Europe, who put me in contact with the pastor. Who I have been expecting his call for two weeks. So I am now in the situation to where I am jumping every time the phone rings. Which is practically annoying when I am in the bath or the few and rare occasions I venture into town.
This month has also brought strain on one of my most close’s friendships. I really treasure the people in my life that I label as a close companion. I hold close the verse in Ecclesiastes that says…
"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up."
Takes ALOT for me to say good bye to a friend… And in fact I doubt I “give up” on any friendship. But lately I find one of my friendships in dire need and struggling for breath. This particular friend is very private and for that sake I will not disclose their name.
But this is a friend I could share anything with. I could run to this person with my inner most fears and concerns. Lately we rejoiced in the news of my job opportunity in Scotland. We also drew closer in our trust by opening up even more about each other lives. My friend’s life is really become strained, and started suffering from panic attacks. Broke my heart the first time I heard them having one over the phone. I wanted so much just to jump through the phone and comfort them.
This past weekend we got into a misunderstanding about emails and email account. When I tried to call and better explain myself to them we just got into another argument. To which they said “All you are bringing in my life our panic attacks, pain, and nonsense.” Was a shock, my heart jumped to my throat and wanted to escape everything. Really deeply hurt me.
Yesterday they told me they were wrong for saying this, that those things aren’t all that my friendship brings. My friendship shouldn't be brining them period. So I tried to get some words to replace though awful things like instead of panic attacks, pain, and nonsense, you bring… They refused to say anything. All they could say was, thank you for your love and care, and I love you to… Is it just me? Or is that like getting nothing?
So I said if they can’t think of anything good that my friendship is bringing then my friendship is not what the need right now. It pains me so so very much. But I love and treasure this friend so much I will take myself out of the picture for their happiness. If I am the root for all their unhappiness I will leave.
To my friend, if you ever read this… I am so sorry for the damage I left you with. It was not intentional. My heart breaks everyday since those words were spoken to me. I hope only happiness will follow you. Maybe one day if you can cope with me ever again my friendship will be waiting. x
So Halloween is approaching and I’m really conflicted when it comes to this holiday. When I was a child my parents never allowed us to participate in the holidays acts, or dressing up scary and going trick-or-treating. So instead our church had a harvest festival. Where the church dressed up as bible characters, and played games and had corn mazes. Was great fun and we never felt we were missing out on the holiday.
But towards the end of our teenage years our church fell into hard times and could no longer hold the festival. So we were forced to stay at home and pass out candy to the “Lucky” kids who got to celebrate the holiday. The more my brother, and my sister got older the more our parents gave us freedom on this holiday. We were allowed to do anything that we felt was okay. Our parents trusted that the holy spirit was working in our lives and we could feel him ourselves.
My brother and I, along with our dad. Would go to a local haunted television studio, called Old Tucson Studios, Night Fall. Was great fun! Being chased around with scary cowboys with chainsaw’s. And seeing a musical of Dracula at the old saloon!
But tonight I was talking to a Christian who refuses to do anything on the holiday. They sit at home read the bible, and even refuse to pass out candy to the little princess, ghost, ect., that might show up at their doors. I just find this so wrong. I understand their reasoning for they don’t want to participate in a pagan holiday. But still doesn’t settle right with me.
So I just go out and have fun. If we set around and do nothing, isn't that just allowing the devil to have his day. Where as us Christians should take the day back. God created all the days, and isn't right that Christians stay in doors and allow the devil to have his day. That attitude is completely wrong.
Labels: Christianity, God, problems
I have been studying Christian behavior. What I see is blindness. I have been talking a lot to my friend Mark. He is such a joy to have as a friend. But he has brought to my attention some of the stuff that us Christians are doing, which isn’t right.
Like for example, I was on Christian chat and I was helping a new believer with his new faith and relationship. While I was doing this a huge fight broke out between to BELIEVERS about some dogma doctrine that really doesn’t matter. It all just boiled down to each interpretation.
This new believer was shocked at what he was witnessing and Private Messaged me right away. He said, “How can I someone who is looking find answers when were bricking amongst ourselves.” All I could reply back was, “This is from the makings of religion and pride. It has nothing to do with a relationship.”
We all have different views, this make sense since we are all different, and have different backgrounds. Were not all going to agree with ever single little thing. But since we don’t agree doesn’t make one side wrong and the other right. Come on church! When are you going to recognize that we are ALL different. Therefore God isn’t going to treat us all the same!
To prove my point do a little study on Jesus. See how he healed people, some people he spoke “Rise up and walk”, other times he touched the leper (which was considered unclean, and other times he rubbed mud in a blind mans eyes. Now Jesus is God. He could have just thought, be healed. They would have been healed. But why did Jesus treat people differently. (Naa Duh! huh.) Well think about it. Church is a body, with different body parts which have different functions. So of course were going to be different, were going to see things different. Fact is we have one purpose. So quit putting the focus on ourselves and keep pressing forward, start WORKING TOGETHER!
Its about time WE were about OUR fathers business!
Labels: Chatrooms, Christianity, Love, problems, religion
Everyday feels like I am a rose trampled on the ground. Does anyone see I am a rose? Do I realize I am a rose? If I was a rose wouldn’t I be in a lovers hand? Why am I on the ground?
The recent days I have felt like this. I haven’t let anyone know. But I couldn’t trick God. He allowed a youtube video stumble in my way. Have you ever heard a song that has nothing to do with your situation but you just broke down and cried? This one did it to me…
So I’m going to live today like it was my last day and I’m moving forward. Not going to spend another moment be the rose on the floor.
Labels: God, Music Video, New things, problems
Well... The last 24 hours have been fun. Lets start from last night at this time.
So here I was, just like I am right now. Typing away at my computer chatting to a friend. When all the sudden I heard the sprinkler go off. Now I am the only person awake, and my dogs weren't barking, (like they are trained to do when someone enters the yard.) I walked outside to listen, and the noise went away. Hmmmm? So then I continued to chat away with my friend. Then all the sudden I hear it again. Okay someone is messing with me. Maybe a lost illegal immagrent wanting water. So I went got my gun and flashlight.
I told my friend to pray, then weren't outside the front door. Nothing! I then made my way by the cars where half the hose's were, still nothing! So then I entered the porch and made my way to the other side of the yard. Then I heard the noise, and it got louder and louder the closer I made way to the door. Once I heard the noise my heart jumped to my throat, RATTLE SNAKE! I rushed the dogs onto the screened porch and next morning the snake was gone.
Now onto the next bizzare acount of the day. I woke up normal, I studied like normal. Then I got a call around 2pm. It was my sister crying. She was choking on tears as she told me that she needed me to pick her up and drive her to Urgent Care, she had been stung by a scorpion. WOW! So I spent my afternoon in a doctors office, time ticking slowly. And finally my sister was released to go home. She is fine! Lol.
Next bizare moment. I was updating my facebook, when Tony's (my bf) niece started talking to me on MSN. She wanted to know if I had talked to Tony yet. I told her I hadn't and she said "Oh well he's got a new girlfriend now." Talk about a stab to the heart!!!
Now I knew a break up was going to happen. According to my calculations we never had "the talk." So I was still waiting faithfully and praying and hoping for a call. But appearently he thought his bed was getting to cold. I feel cheated to and lied to.
So there is my wonderful day wrapped up in a itty bitty nice little blog. (sorry about the bitterness) Oh! I forgot I also have pink eye, also known as infection in the eye.
I'm done with my waffle, ramble, where ever your from, PEACE LOVE and JOY tomorrow...
If anyone knows of a tall dark and handsome who enjoys a crazy American girl. Give me a call!! In fact if you love the lord and Jesus is your personal savior, and your ugly give me a call anyway... :)
(Story about my life at the moment)
Break ups are funny, emotional things. Your fine everything is cool you wake up one morning birds singing, sunshine and rainbows. Then in a spilt second GONE!
Numb, shock, depression, anger…. they all hit you at once! Seems like every heart beat comes another emotion, that is gut wrench pain that swells your heat, soul, and mind. You don’t want to cry but your body seems like it can’t contain this much power in your small flesh container.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" explains that there are five steps of grief… They are as follows, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. This model is known as the Kübler-Ross model, (yes creative I know).
A person is suppose to go through all these stages to move on from the grief stage. But is it just mean, or does it feel like I go through all 5 stages with in 5 seconds, then it repeats.
Luckily my heartache was not a very big surprise. I just found out the man I loved, was actually a coward. One stage in this stage of grief is acceptance, but can one accept something that has no closure??
Thanks for my ramble, my chin will be up soon. This coward shall not steal my joy!
I don’t know what to write I’m just going to let my fingers fly across the keyboard. Then I’ll sit back and yawn, then read what my heart and soul poured out while I wasn’t looking. (FYI: I just re-read what I wrote you need to understand I’m being poetic and random)
Today I got to set back and watch how awesome God really is. Why can’t I keep this feeling through out my life? Why do I let daily activities get to me, I soon become bored and just live life going through the motions. I get up and repeat what I did yesterday, nothing changes. I continue life with my hands in my pocket and my head down. Is this what God created life to be like?
Why don’t we look up more?
Today I was out on my veranda drinking some ice tea. I was watching the lightning in the distance. Then I looked up and the clouds that were building above me had a light red, orange glow to them. It was so breath taking. But I would have missed all that beauty if I kept my eyes on the darkness.
What do we find when we look up?
Sailor's knew to look up. They looked up for stars to guide them. Dreamers look up and dream. People at there wits end look up for comfort.
People travel across the world to Arizona to look at a hole in the ground. Yes the Grand Canyon is impressive. But have you ever realized you have ENTERNITY above your head? Here we are staring at a hole. People saying "Oh it looks like it falls forever," but eventualy it ends. The whole time there staring at a hole, there's never ending space above them!
How big would your problems be ever you looked up, then thought about them?
“Keep your eyes on the heavens, Keeping them on the ground makes you wonder where you are. But look at the heavens you know exactly where you are at to the stars. The lights that God put forth for you to see and to follow.”
(this wasn't the moment I was discribing, But this was soon after I ran and grabbed my camera)
Labels: God, Music Video, problems, Theology
