Today is one of those days where it does matter which side of the bed I rolled out of. All the forces in the world are out to make sure that I struggled today. It takes a lot for me to give up my smile. I like to smile in spite the struggles of life. I find life more fun when you great bad news at the door with a smile. But today I feel like I have been hammered by this storm to hard. God is playing hide and seek. So what exactly is going on??
Chatrooms
I have been a great servant to a chat room for almost a year. The owner use to be a close friend of mine. I have work so hard for the ministry. Not for my friend but to be a good steward of a ministry God gave him. I wanted to help him, he made me a moderator. Lately the owner, me friend, made some changes that made my job as a moderator harder. It also cause division within the forum/chat room. This was adding stress on my life. I tired three times to approach the owner and let him know my feelings. But he refuse to reflect on mine and other moderator feelings. He was sit in his ways. He also was very stern in reminding me that it was his chat room. I felt no love of God in his attitude so I asked to be taken off as a moderator. Today he made it was official. My heart breaks cause I feel like I failed a friend. But in reality a leader failed me. But I still feel the pain.
Men
We could spend ages on this topic. But for now I will try my hardest to keep it a paragraph. Lately I have 3 guy friends. We are very close. They recently told me they have taken a fancy in me. One even told me he had a dream about me. This put me in an awkward position. So I told them all I am going to remain friends right now, I am not in the position to date. They all agreed this was a good decision. I love them all very dearly. But 2 out of the 3 guys, what do you think there facebook relationship status say? Yep they forgot about me pretty quickly. The see me online and ignore me, they even delete things I post on their facbook walls. I Hate being played with, I hate men who emotionally play with a woman’s feelings. I don’t see them as men they are boys. Real men guard women, and protect them. What happen to the world?? Why do men strive to be the pimp, and not the knight? I basically feel like they loved me like they loved a piece of gum wrapper. Where are the knights? Where have the Godly men gone?
Friend
This friend is the same person I talked about in “Friend Problems.” Lately we have made real ground and starting to quilt our friendship back together. But on Saturday we got into yet another misunderstanding on the phone. So Sunday I wrote a nice email (I thought it was nice) saying I was sorry, apologizing for my part of the issue. I then tried to make an attempt on trying to explain my feelings. I went to bed thinking I had done a good thing, and we would be better tomorrow. When I rolled out of bed this morning and staggered to the computer, my heart broke. The reply to my email was a nasty one. I almost felt him yelling at me trough the text. I was shattered and crushed. I could barely type a reply. I was so scared and broken to write much.
I am watching the sun go down in the mountain horizon. I am happy to see this day go. I also forgot to mention the burning pain in my arm from where I burned my self on the oven. But the burning pain is nothing like what my broken heart feels. I almost blame myself for this pain. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Was a week ago that I stayed up till the wee morning hours to make a friend (was one of the “men” that is now forgotten me) a very encouraging video, filled with love and support. Will anyone make me anything when I am down? I doubt I will even get a comment on this.
All I can do is keep searching for God in my situation. Keep my heart limping forward. Its all I can do.
Please help my friend!!!!!
If anyone would like to help my friend make a dream come true please do the following:
1. Log into your your myspace account.
2. After logging in, copy this link into your address bar
http://www.myspace.com/gleeauditions?link=44885594
3. Give him a Gold star. It would mean the world to him and it would only take 5 minutes. Thank you :-)
Ummm... Touching act... I would have to say when Baddog (George) took me into his home when I was kicked out of my ex's house and had no where to go. Ummm what have i done?? I can't really think of anything major... but I would say that I would count the things as little but to the other person it was probably a huge act... so I would have to ask other people what kind of an impact I've had. From just being a friend, to cooking someone a homemade meal, or paying for a strangers Starbuck.... all depends on your perspective
Hey Blog reader people,
So yes this month is so spinning out of control. Started out with a list of goals, and expectations. I got my schooling done. Took my final and expecting my test results soon. I also have been applying to Masters Commission Aberdeen, as a staff member. I have gotten the thumbs up from Masters Commission Europe, who put me in contact with the pastor. Who I have been expecting his call for two weeks. So I am now in the situation to where I am jumping every time the phone rings. Which is practically annoying when I am in the bath or the few and rare occasions I venture into town.
This month has also brought strain on one of my most close’s friendships. I really treasure the people in my life that I label as a close companion. I hold close the verse in Ecclesiastes that says…
"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up."
Takes ALOT for me to say good bye to a friend… And in fact I doubt I “give up” on any friendship. But lately I find one of my friendships in dire need and struggling for breath. This particular friend is very private and for that sake I will not disclose their name.
But this is a friend I could share anything with. I could run to this person with my inner most fears and concerns. Lately we rejoiced in the news of my job opportunity in Scotland. We also drew closer in our trust by opening up even more about each other lives. My friend’s life is really become strained, and started suffering from panic attacks. Broke my heart the first time I heard them having one over the phone. I wanted so much just to jump through the phone and comfort them.
This past weekend we got into a misunderstanding about emails and email account. When I tried to call and better explain myself to them we just got into another argument. To which they said “All you are bringing in my life our panic attacks, pain, and nonsense.” Was a shock, my heart jumped to my throat and wanted to escape everything. Really deeply hurt me.
Yesterday they told me they were wrong for saying this, that those things aren’t all that my friendship brings. My friendship shouldn't be brining them period. So I tried to get some words to replace though awful things like instead of panic attacks, pain, and nonsense, you bring… They refused to say anything. All they could say was, thank you for your love and care, and I love you to… Is it just me? Or is that like getting nothing?
So I said if they can’t think of anything good that my friendship is bringing then my friendship is not what the need right now. It pains me so so very much. But I love and treasure this friend so much I will take myself out of the picture for their happiness. If I am the root for all their unhappiness I will leave.
To my friend, if you ever read this… I am so sorry for the damage I left you with. It was not intentional. My heart breaks everyday since those words were spoken to me. I hope only happiness will follow you. Maybe one day if you can cope with me ever again my friendship will be waiting. x
Hello people out in the world wide web! Lol
Well ya I am horrible at keeping up with a blog… I’m more of a pen and paper type of girl… Which I am happy to note that my lovely sister got the new leather journal I have been lusting after for Christmas! Anyways so time I got you all caught up…
I am currently working on my Medical Assistant degree, which I am ready for my finale exam… Which I will be taking next week, so this is the cram it all in week. Than after my finale exam with my online school than I will get a date to take the actual test at a local community college… Than I am one step closer to my move to the UK.
How is the UK move going? Its actually really really scary how things are falling into place. Seems like I meeting all the right people on Christian Chat that can help me. I have met someone who can help me get in a job in all the major cities at either a hospital or a nursing home. So it was the question which city do I want to move to? London? Birmingham? Edinburgh? Dundee? Cardiff?
Well I think London is my best shot. I am considering a place in Portsmouth which is just a quick train ride away from the hospital I might be working at. The guy I would be renting from is willing to work with me on rent… and has all the furniture in the place. Also chances are I’ll have roommates from the local University, which will help split the cost of the rent.
What else is new? Well I was recently let down :( I was planning a trip to the UK for a friends wedding… I was crushed when My employer at the time Wal-Mart had to lay off all their temporary employees. So now I once again find me with no job and unable to acquire my funding to see the UK again. Which was a let down cause all my friends on the internet was going to be there, and it would have been so good to meet all of them… and to see my friend Benny in a suit lol.
I do NEED to get my bum over there one last time before the move. Job interview, paper work for a visa, and to take a look at the place I might be renting from, oh and also go church hunting! That's a major thing I need to be looking for… I know Hilsong has a church in London but I might wanna do something closer to where I am living. Meh, wont really know till I get there…
Well that's enough from me right now, promise to write more. Still have alot to share but for another time
God bless!
Labels: England, Friends, New things, Sunset
Hey guys and gals!
Well when I find myself with time to write I have found myself in a situation of NOTHING to write. Ha ha ha.
Well not to worry I do have something to fill in the time. I have recently found an interesting conversation on Facebook that struck me as one of great interest. Why? well it has something to do with a topic I find a lot of Christians today don’t find important. What’s that? Well Church!!!
The following conversation is an actual conversation that has taken place, so since I have yet to ask permission to use this conversation I will change the names so no harm done!!
James -Christians attending church was God's idea and is his will for his people. It is God who calls people to be pastors. Why? It is God who inspired all the "one another" scriptures in the Bible. How do you love, serve, admonish, encourage, instruct and care for one another if you are not with one another? Scripture says that believers should not neglect meeting together. Find a church and get connected.
Harry- Right. But could you also say the way we run churches is not necessarily the way God intended it? Who knows how God intended it really? Didn't our system of the rituals we practice church stem from the Catholic Church? I thought the original church consisted more of a fellowship of eating with one another and breaking bread, giving honor to God at the same time and discussing his words. It's seems more and more to me that Church was God's plan for us to come together as one and strengthen one another towards his cause.
James-No church is run perfectly. What we know from scripture and the earliest days of the church is that gatherings included singing praise, study of Scripture, Communion, Pastors and Elders serving the people and equipping them to minister to others, correction when needed, exercizing of spiritual gifts, doing the "one another’s", and - yes - giving offerings. Rituals are not bad if founded on the Word of God and not the traditions of men. Consistent personal Bible study and prayer could be considered a ritual - and we should all embrace it. I say again, God's will is that his people be committed to a local church.
Harry-Valid points. I have a hard time accepting Churches these days because it feels like they are off track. I don't want to be so critical of them but church history, in my studies, seems to have started off on the basis of anti-Semitism. Which sadly still has some remaining remnants in a lot of churches today. I love fellowship with Christian believers and discussing God's word. I take great joy in it. I just see a lot of fake fronts in churches today and wish we would all be real with one another and love each other for it. We cannot and will not ever be perfect, and to me that is ok. That is why Christ came to save us. And we should all accept one another as screw ups, cuz we all are. I understand that is what church is for, but church seems to have taken the role of look perfect to one another and pity the one who actually comes clean.
James-Many churches are among the greatest supporters of Israel and the Jewish people. The sin/imperfections of churches does not negate God's will in this area. Find a church that is close to what you are looking for and accept their "screw ups" just as you want others to be accepted. Grow in God's grace together with others.
Harry-The thing I felt most robbed about from my church was that I trusted them for my biblical education. I sat there a listened to my pastor’s interpretation of scripture and it seemed contradictory at times. I just felt that I should have been taught the different beliefs and theological issues, instead of just one view. I wish my church would have taught me how to interpret scripture on my own. I had to go to Bible College to learn the difference and decipher for my own. I believe every Christian should be educated to decipher for their own. It plays a huge role in our relationship to God and in understanding him more.
James-True. And we should learn how to study the Bible for ourselves. My advice is to read a church's statement of faith/beliefs carefully before connecting and look for a strong commitment to the sufficiency of Scripture. You've got to have a pastor whom you trust when teaching God's Word. From a practical point of view, pastors cannot generally give all theological views of a given scripture/topic in a sermon. It would take too much time and promote confusion and factions rather than conviction and unity.
Harry-I don't know if I agree... I think those things being taught in the church would be great for real Christians. When you water down scripture and make messages to win numbers it only creates temporary Christians. There should be no confusion if taught correctly. Our different ideas should actually unite us. There is only separation into factions when people are hard headed and closed minded. How can you learn and study the bible ourselves if we are not given the tools to do so. That is exactly what I want to make prevalent in church, teaching the congregation how to learn on their own. All I ever heard was read your bible. Ok, no what? There is more than just reading, which you know. Please don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for my church experiences. There are many positive and great things the church has done for me in my walk. I am thankful for it. You make some great points and am thankful for the opportunity to discuss.
James-We will have to agree to disagree on this one. Though I am not talking about watering down Scripture or winning numbers for numbers sake. I am talking about pastors/teachers called by God preaching with conviction God's truth as they see it in Scripture. Not being like a member of a debate team who has to be able to argue convincingly for a point of view they don't believe. Finding a church or denomination where you can be in substantial agreement with their doctrinal view should enable to receive teaching and training without always being concerned with what everyone else's view of the topic is. Not bad to be curious and have a well-rounded understanding - more important to receive, embrace and apply God's Word through your pastor to your life.
Harry-I actually have attended two churches were they took the time to answer theological issues and questions. It was great. So many people had great questions and the pastor not only gave an answer from his view point but shared the other views as well. It was probably one of the most beneficial services I have seen. I am not saying it should be my way all the time, but a good mixture of both. We get so caught in the usual routine that we lose focus. Balance is important with everything.
Harry-Getting out there and seeing different churches is great as well. You can learn so much from your brothers and sisters.
James-I agree but still believe you need to have a home church where you commit, serve, build relationships and function as family
Some interesting things in this convo. I hope you chew the meat and spit out the bones
So… Today I had to say goodbye to such a great friend :( This friend I haven’t know for long but he had great advice, and well he had a great ear. I felt I could share ANYTHING with him. Ever meet someone for the first time, you kind of over look them? Well when I first met my friend, he was as usual surrounded by girls, lol. But within the last 2 months or so we just clicked. He became a very dear friend, I once called him my big brother, but now I see him more, a awesome friend… I’ll miss you Benny. I hope you keep in contact… your in my prayers.
So today was kind of a bummer, but God ended it in amazing way…
Labels: Friends, New things, Sad
